He Really Does Walk and Talk With Me: What to do when you cannot figure out where your anxiety is coming from...

For Christmas this year, my precious family gave me this beautiful painting. Harley could not wait to give it to me. She knew I would love it—and oh, how I do!!! But I've hesitated to share it because I keep looking at it, thinking about it, and taking it all in. I have had to have an honest conversation with myself about how much I really believe what this picture represents.

Look...it's just true. I walk a careful line to manage all of my physical, mental, emotional, and nervous system irregularities, and I will add that it is a veritable jungle (insert ROFL here!). I live a "90/10" life. I enjoy things, but I eat well pretty much all the time. I have learned how to exercise in a way that does not over-inflame my body or create a crippling amount of cortisol. I am very intentional about my walk through God's Word and consistently work harder to have a faithful prayer life. And yet, somehow, I am still so anxious almost always.

AW Tozer said, "What you believe about God is the most important thing about you." In other words, the truth greater than all my greatest efforts is that holistic care and spiritual disciplines are fleeting at best if I do not believe that Jesus is my Shepherd and Friend.

Thus, the most essential next practice is not scrambling to ensure my supplements are right and my screen time is minimal. Those things are important for sure, but if I do not require myself to seek Jesus as the only balm that will satisfy my reckless, wandering, self-serving soul, I will continue to cycle this drain of anxiousness.

A few years ago, while doing reasonably well in ministry and business, I hit a brick wall. One very specific day, I was overwhelmed with a crippling battle of shame and guilt over my past. I tried to keep going because isn't it true that if we just pull ourselves by our bootstraps, we will make it through?! Well, maybe on some level, but as a Christian, there is only one measure of perseverance, endurance, and victory...

Do you believe Jesus to be who He says He is?

It would take two full years for my heart, mind, and body to return to the fact that my sin was nailed to the cross, not in part, but the whole! It did not happen overnight, but one moment of fellowship with Jesus in prayer, through the Father's Word, and in community with faithful believers ultimately brought me back to life in Him.

So...here we are again. I am living in a space where the Savior of all mankind is asking me to believe in Him in a new way. This time, my heart is beyond confident of my redemption in Him. However, I need help believing that I am not just an annoying dumpster fire that he tolerates, but one He loves...one that He really does want to walk and talk with.

Right here would be a great place to lay out a five-step plan on how to get from point A of unbelieving scatter to point B of unanxious faith...but just like before, it is not a matter of performance or nose-to-the-grindstone work. It is one walk and one talk at a time.

Normally, my jumbled self would be so flustered and nervous about the unknown amount of time this may take, but as I sit...and dwell and savor...with the Lord -- and my beautiful picture -- I already know Him more and have a hushed spirit and joyful melody.

"And He talks with me

And He tells me I am His own

And the joy we share as we tarry there

None other has ever known

He speaks and the sound of His voice

Is so sweet the birds hush their singing

And the melody that He gave to me

Within my heart is ringing"

In what way is God asking you to believe Him to be who He says He is? Do you think that the Lord will take you to a hard place so that you will believe in Him in a new way? Are you willing to hold His hand as He walks you through to the other side? Are you in a community of faithful believers who will also walk arm-in-arm with you?

"For I know the plans and thoughts that I have for you,’ says the Lord, ‘plans for peace and well-being and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call on Me, and you will come and pray to Me, and I will hear [your voice], and I will listen to you. Then [with a deep longing] you will seek Me and require Me [as a vital necessity], and [you will] find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you,’ says the Lord, ‘and I will restore your fortunes, and I will [free you and] gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you,’ says the Lord, ‘and I will bring you back to the place from where I sent you into exile.’" Jeremiah 29:11-13

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